So, Sam is growing up and becoming more independent. We are excited in some ways and concerned in others. We went on a camping trip this week with friends and some of the kids on the trip were not sure what Sam really had to live like. We had a couple of hard moments where I had to go to my happy place in order to make it through but we survived. Sam had a hard time with everyone eating more than he was allowed at snack times. It was hard to regulate his siblings to be "like him." Usually I only allow them to have as much as Sam can have. This saves many tears from Sam and frustration for me. However, when there are nine kids running around, it is almost impossible. My other kids would ask them for more food and they would be so sweet to share. Then Sam would come report and scream,"it's not fair! Everyone is so mean to me!" Then I would spend the next thirty minutes trying to talk him through it, only to see it end in him giving me a bad look and stomping off. So, the last day we were driving home from swimming in the lake and his new friend Caleb had a tub of pringles with him in the backseat. Now Sam had already had his snack but was still very hungry and I knew that. So, before I finish I knew exactly what could happen. I was just curious if it really would. Well I dozed off only to be awaken by Bart loudly saying, " are you sneaking pringles?" Sam was crouched down in the backseat having some pringles with his friend. Bart told him he could not do it. It would make him really sick. Then he explained to Caleb not to give him anymore. I know it probably hurt Sam. It hurt me. Not that Bart said it, but that he had to say it. Tears filled my eyes as I sat there thinking, we are repremanding him over food. Why does it have to be this way? IT is so hard! I think this is why we hardly branch out and do things with other people. It is just hard to start over. It is hard to explain and it is hard to face it again. When you are with those who know everything, you feel normal. WE like that. However, it is good to make new friends and the kids love it too. I just have to put on my armour as I enter the situation.
I worry about Sam. I see such anger in his eyes. I pray that he will one day understand that all those no's over food and time and situations and parties were just to protect him. I pray he sees the intense love behind it. Diabetes has stolen my unique bond I had with my firstborn. The day he was diagnosed (November 15, 2004) was the day part of Sam died and along with it our sweet bond). It is very difficult for me to think about. IT was replaced with be being terrified I would kill my son if I did the wrong food count or dosage of insulin. I would panic if he was around candy or cake. I have since calmed down over those things but as he ages, the anger he feels is applied to me. I can take it. I just miss our sweet times together with no boundaries, no "NO'S and no time frames. It was just me and him exploring the world and enjoying every carefree minute of it. I hope one day the light in his eye will return and he will be grateful for all we endured and went through with him.
Please help me replace anger with thankfulness, frustration with a sense of calm, bitterness with gratefulness, fear with trust, isolation with community and sadness with joy as we embrace each day's new challenges. Carry me through.