Time to change!

As I sit here catching up on blogging and facebook and friend's lives, I realize that my life as far as emotions, feelings and thoughts have pretty much stopped since 2004. It was truly the hardest year of my life and it was so hard that I just shut life down as best I could. I just finished reading my friend Mary Beth Chapman's blog and feel the pain she writes about. It is the first anniversary of Maria's passing. Where did that year go? In reading her journal, I realize I have a lot of pain to walk through. I realize that I am paralyzed from lies Satan has crept in, doubt, unbelief to a degree. How did I get here? After my brother died, my moment of truth or lie came and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that truth was truth. I still believe that 100%, but somewhere on the journey of grief, some doubt crept in. Hmm. Now what? I know that our days are numbered and I know God is sovereign. I know he works all things for good. However, as I have cared for a small diabetic child for five years now, this is where I have begun to struggle. My faith that was once so strong seems to have crumbled some. I never saw it leave, but as I look back, I have somehow allowed Satan to feed me some doubt which I must have sat and thought about long enough to where my heart and head are struggling to match up.
I can say now without a shadow of a doubt that my prayer for my brother was answered the day he left this earth January 3, 2004. I know that he had struggles that he could not win and my prayer was always to please heal him and make him whole. Well, he did. It just was not in my plan for his life. You see, I am learning daily that I need to give up MY PLANS and submit to the Lord's plan. I am thankful that he is whole. I miss him beyond words can express, especially when my daughter asks me to see a picture of him because she just can't remember him. Then when Charlie talks daily about the horses he loves and always picks the black stallion as his favorite.... a little bit of Chris is there. Mary Beth calls them her breadcrumbs and I love that! God gives me some all the time to remember Chris. I really feel I am healing finally for that. Yes there is always those days when it creeps back in and the sinful unbelieving thoughts of "it was my fault, or if only we had ...." come rushing in. However, I have to claim Psalm 139 during those moments.
My biggest struggle is walking down this road of a child with diabetes. We have a new normal lifestyle and it has invaded EVERY aspect of it. I am still extremely angry for being given this situation, however, thankful at the same time that it is a managable disease. I am thankful that he can live a fairly normal life. It is the small daily things that just wipe me out physically, emotionally and spiritually. When we have an argument over a juice box. I sit there thinking, " this is a juice box . I should not have my six year old on the floor crying because I have to tell him he cannot have one." When we are at a birthday party and he gives me that look of hope that maybe just maybe he will get a big piece of cake instead of a bite (with just a little bit of icing). It is not the food that is the issue. How many of us really need a big piece of cake? It is the emotional road it takes us all on of being different or singled out and to have no one like you anywhere to be found. As I type this it reminds me of the verse in Romans 12:2 - Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will. I certainly need more renewing of the mind. I want to know his good, pleasing and perfect will for life with diabetes and with Him.
However, I have shoved the emotional distress that Type 1 Diabetes brings to me minute by minute so far down in the pit that I don't feel anything anymore. I have watched my relationships change with my children, my husband, my parents, friends, acquaintances, etc. There is an isolation involved that I just can't stand but somehow I put it there. A barrier of protection for me maybe. This is truly the hardest road I have ever been thrown on. I need an avenue to vent and this just may be where it all comes out. I apologize in advance, but I already feel better.
As for some encouraging words.... I can see God receiving his Glory through our hardships. Sam amazes me and I learn from him daily. His self-control is unbelievable. His understanding of his disease is slowly taking root and he handles it most of the time with such grace. Sam told Bart that he didn't know why his daddy was working so hard to find a cure for him because there were a lot of other sick kids out there in the world. WOW! Proud moment for us. What six year old has a worldview like that? What adult would say that? Out of all that came Imagine a Cure that we have started to help find a cure for type 1 diabetes. It also led to some discussions with Compassion Int. about adopting special needs children around the world. They had never really sponsered these kids. Within this last year, Compassion now has children with special needs available to adopt for eight more dollars a month. What a blessing to see that unfold. I am thankful to be a part of something much bigger than me and my six year old and his diabetes. Well, I could write forever but I am falling asleep at the computer. I will try and make this more organized but would like to take you on a journey of climbing out of the pit as I learn to unpack bitterness, grief, doubt, frustration, fear, and unbelief that diabetes brings with it.
For now, goodnight.